I’ve ‘felt’ like a writer for as long as I can remember, but keeping faith in my ability to actually do the writing part of being a writer has been a struggle.
My personal NaNoWriMo this month is just me forcing myself to write each day and here’s why:
Everything I write falls into one of two categories:
1) Something I hate but leave sitting there in the hopes that one day I’ll sit back down to it with fresh eyes and work some kinda magic…gently easing it into a shape and form that then becomes something that I…
2) Passionately love…something that I have poured so much into (not necessarily quantifiably like a time commitment but often just raw and unfiltered me bubbling over and seeping into my words) that I then become over-invested and the fear of people not getting it, of mishandling or mistreating my delicate love-child of authentically-me expression by misjudging it as something it’s not or worst of all not seeing me at all (ever the invisible woman)…I become a little terrified and unsettled after I hit publish…
Both possible outcomes leave me filled with anxiety and self-doubt when I sit down to write with intention. Sometimes I write because I feel compelled to get something out of my head and don’t really consciously think it through enough to have any reservations.
This fear of imperfection though, is stifling me. How on earth am I ever going to be grown up enough to finally be the writer I believed I was when I was 8-years-old if I don’t find the courage to just start writing again?
If I can overcome the soul-crushing perfectionism then the next barrier to my writing is doing it routinely.
Doing anything routinely is a battle for me. When I’m filled with passion and excitement I do things obsessively and compulsively. I think about this thing when I go to bed. I’ll still be thinking of it when I wake up and I sit down to ‘do’ whatever it is I’m ‘doing’ before I’ve even washed my face, used the bathroom or gotten myself something to eat or drink.
Moderation and routine are hard for me…yet still important enough that I feel crap about never managing to succeed at them!?! Go figure!
So…all that to say, I’ve decided to write every day in November. Sometimes that will result in an actual post on my blog appearing. Some days I might just get a few post ideas begun and not finish any of them (because sometimes inspiration comes hard and fast but follow through splutters and fades away).
I’m aware that my grammar is awful and that at the moment I’m going through a ‘…’ phase in my writing. It feels good, it feels light…and it’s how my brain is working right now. I’m just unapologetically going to write like me. It’s not great, but rest assured the shizzle going down in my head is even more chaotic than my writing and by giving me a platform to share a little bit of it, you’re helping qualm some of that crazy. Thanks!
– Are you a writer? Big (novels, blogs, poetry, plays, scientific-papers and more…) or small (love notes to your honey, a ‘Mom loves you’ post-it-note in your kids lunch box, kick ass birthday card inscriptions…and more…)…if yes, does your writing fill you with anxiety and make you question yourself on the regular or do you just let it all hang out and let the writing spew forth unbridled? Something in between? Was it always this way for you?
– I’d love it if you’d spill the beans on what writing means to you (your own writing or the writing you consume from others – books, blogs, whatever :)). Could you give up the written word in exchange for verbal or visual expression or would you feel you’d lost something?
Sorry! Lots of questions from me today, just pick one if you like, or not…just a ‘hey’ is always welcome too 🙂