…and I’m not sure how I feel about it.
There are definitely days when I’m sad to not be able to take my camera out and chat about whatever it is I’m mulling over internally. Vlogging and saying things out loud rather than keeping them to myself has pushed my self-growth journey in a new direction. Even the process of editing has been hugely helpful for me. Editing forces me to re-examine my thought processes and ideas of an hour, day, week or more ago. That kind of immediate reflection isn’t something that happens in the same way in real life. I re-examine my actions and thoughts all the time (anxiety will do that to you) but I always assume the worst of myself, that I said something wrong or have probably offended or sounded dumb. Having actual physical evidence of what I really said or did keeps my wandering guilt in check and keeps things in perspective.
On a side note: I find it difficult editing and publishing videos filmed too far in the past. Somehow they begin to feel inauthentic because they’re not in the moment and either my thought on the topic has shifted or I just don’t understand why past-Jen cared about the topic at all…? Do any other bloggers/vloggers/content-creators have this struggle? Create either in the moment or it just falls by the wayside? There are some really interesting videos I’d like to dredge back up from my ‘to be edited’ archive, I’m just not sure if I’m capable of rekindling the passion for the topics.
Sometimes I think occurrences like my camera dying on me happen for a reason. I’m being forced to learn patience and to find other avenues for self expression at the moment. I’m a bit of a petulent child at times…just wanting my thing back and cursing fate and circumstance that are stopping me from doing what I want (in this case having a fully functioning camera at my beck and call). Maybe this is an opportunity to rekindle my passion for writing now that the option to just speak those thoughts aloud is on hold?
I definitely don’t want to give up vlogging, it’s brought me a lot of joy…it feels good putting myself out there despite the anxiety and self-doubt it creates in me.
Doing something despite it freaking you out and being harder than you believe it should be for you…is bound to lead to self-growth.
Life is feeling very fragile and short at the moment. I’ve spent so many years hiding me, not expressing myself, pushing down the art that still manages to seep out of me at times. I want to be braver, push myself more. I thought video would be the form that art would take right now but until I can get my camera repaired that’s just not an option.
So stay tuned…there may be some random thoughts on my blog coming your way.