out of whack
out in the cold
always an outsider
destined to be all alone…
has it run it’s course?
is it hindering more than it helps?
if it doesn’t help anyone…if it doesn’t contribute to making the world a better place…then why bother?
if it makes me feel worse about myself and it doesn’t have a positive impact on anyone that stumbles across my videos then what purpose does it serve?
most importantly right now…
…who wants to hear a middle aged woman talking yet again about being in emotional crisis and not knowing how to pull herself out of it?
…who cares that I’m tied up in knots?
…why does it even matter outside of my own head?
my thoughts and advice were probably always crap
my face and my voice is irritating and awkward
who I am isn’t good enough
isn’t put together enough
isn’t coherent enough
…..and when I do manage to focus and be direct and clear (albeit still long winded and poorly) the me of right now begins to wonder was it authentically me?
…have I been putting on a persona these past months whenever I sit down and decide to
Do a Good Job
it was never my intention…but when people in my life watch it they feel like I’m putting on a ‘happy persona‘ or, ‘it’s like you’re a different person‘…
….so which is the real and authentic me?
the person people know in real life that barely speaks….or the person who goes for a drive with her camera all alone and has the space to speak her mind?
I’ve spent the better part of the past 4 days trying to hold back tears…not just a few tears but body wracking sobs that get ugly real quick…
I can’t even tell you why…not really…
An underlying distaste for who and what I am as a person. I listened to a pod cast where an INTJ, INFJ and ENFP discussed my personality type (INFP). They were honest, they were right…I had heard it all before. I guess I thought INFJs kinda liked INFPs so to hear one that doesn’t like them felt like that tiny assurance (other NFs they might get you and like you…) was ripped away. The truth…it hurts…and for me it hurts deeply.
What they said was not news to me, I’m painfully aware of most of my faults as a wife, a mother, a friend and for a year there a face-on-Youtube…
The problem is despite how hard I try, the more ‘Fe’ (Extraverted Feeling) aware me is only sustainable in short bursts and for so long. It’s exhausting being ‘on’ and being ‘aware’ of social rules and niceties all the time. In a friendship scenario, at least your friend can disconnect from you pretty easily and go on with their day when you’re doing poorly with your social skills that day. My husband and my teenage children however have me firmly planted in their lives as a permanent fixture. They need a nurturing, caring, soft ‘Fe’ type to make them comfortable and support their emotional needs. I’m so incredibly socially inept…
…the more shit at it I feel the more I disconnect and the deeper and wider the chasm between us becomes…
I can fight but am unlikely to conquer undermining my fundamental belief that people should be responsible for their own emotional well-being, should step away if they need to and build up their own emotional resilience. That I am not responsible for you. You are responsible for you. That we should all be kind and treat each other well….but that ultimately we’re kinda parallel playing (like a 15 month old toddler) when it comes to life…
I don’t fundamentally ‘get’ social cohesion through each individual putting in effort to include socially graceful platitudes and assurances to one another (eg. remembering what is going on in that person’s life and asking the right polite high level question on greeting them so that they realise that you remember their circumstances but aren’t invading their privacy by delving too deep… Asking about the other people in the social group, remembering their friends names that they talk about often, remembering that they play golf on Wednesday’s and asking how it’s going…etc.).
I can fight but am unlikely to change that I prefer to keep my thoughts and feelings to myself a lot of the time. That I don’t speak up unless I see some purpose or use for saying it aloud.
I feel invisible, but it’s probably me making me invisible and that’s not any one else’s fault.
The stupid romantic in me wants to believe that the right people will ‘see’ me even in my silence, that they’ll feel my presence, my energy and delve deeper, want more….like me, love me, value me.
It’s not reality….but reality be damned.
So I took down most of my Youtube videos. I left those that I felt were morally right to leave. I left my 5 Suprising Things About Germany video because the many debates I had in the comments are important for the world…the points I made I felt were important to be heard by people passing by. I felt there were things touched on that some people may never considered the other side of…and that perspective is of value for all of us…not just me. I felt that those conversations were more important than how my social awkwardness on Youtube hurts me…more important than me feeling like an outcast, like I don’t fit in. I can swallow those hurts so that the people that watch that video and read the comments can be exposed to new ideas and ways of thinking.
I left my 100th Episode because it felt right to do so…because my 244 friends that sometimes stop by channel should have a place they can comment and find out what’s going on. It also just feels right for that video to exist for now.
I left a few other Germany related videos (2 forest walks and a trip to the German Farmer’s Market) despite them embarrassing me at their low quality and that I feature in all my awkwardness strongly in them….because German’s that watch my 5 Surprising Things video deserve more of the story. Likewise they deserve to know that we left Germany and moved to Australia and that we remember Germany fondly.
The last video I left was my Reverse Culture Shock video and that one I left because Host Eric from Talking with Famous People on Youtube Type Policed that video and linked to it. I didn’t want to create a dead link for him and his viewers and I felt I owed people having the original video visible (I’m always disappointed if I can’t access source material!).
I worry that this will be like the time I gave up my blog. You can never go back again.
…you can’t both give up the thing that’s hurting you AND live out who and where you’d be if you had pushed through and continued past the quitting point.
I gave up my blog in 2013: 1) Because I was finally ready to tackle my disordered eating head on (and a food blog did not support that goal) and 2) I cut toxic family members out of my life for mine and my family’s preservation and I couldn’t bear the thought of them being able to still ‘see’ my boys and me on my blog.
Now it’s 2019 and I could never get back the blog I once loved…
…and now I’m giving up something else that I have loved…
…but that let’s face it…I was a bit crap at…
I cut out things that hurt and hinder me with ease…
…but the nostalgia and the looking back is strong and inevitable for me.
If you’re one of my Youtube friends reading this, thank you for making me feel heard and seen…..it’s just not sustainable…and I feel like a huge embarrassment thinking anyone would care to see and hear my thoughts….who am I? No one.