…I tire of reading my own moody drivel. Thus my lack of posts of late. I have a few half written in the throws of feeling stressed and awful but ultimately I felt like finishing them off was me dwelling on it and decided to just leave them be.
Hopefully as the weather warms up the depression will lift a little. I’m feeling morose and empty (bar the few outbursts when I’m over tired), I’m avoiding going to bed at night and instead falling asleep on the lounge, my weight continues to climb, I’m isolating myself and avoiding communicating with anyone (family back home, the kids, my hubby), when I do sleep I can’t get enough of it and don’t feel refreshed even after 12 hours or more, things I normally enjoy (cooking, baking, reading) hold no interest, feel like a chore and aren’t enjoyable even when I force myself to do them. I’m ridiculously negative and pessimistic about everything, it’s enough to drive anyone around me insane and honestly if I were them I’d steer clear of my misery guts at all costs. I’ve been here many times before.
Our year in the West Midlands was an aberration for me, an entire year free of depression. Oh how I miss living in the heart of England; driving down those country roads, overtaking tractors and horses on the way to school or the shops. I miss the small close-knit school the boys attended, it wasn’t perfect but it was personal and the boys had weekly lessons spent stomping through the forest in muddied boots keeping an eye and ear out for wildlife. Every teacher knew every child’s name in the school and as much as I don’t like talking to random people it was nice getting a smile and nod from teachers and parents. Londoners don’t make eye contact with others. You can walk past the same people (oh and I do) every day of the year and never say a word to each other. It’s okay to smile at someone’s dog, but not them…its just not the thing to do.
London is beautiful, steeped in history but there’s no where you can wander off and be alone. Note the irony: the loneliness from lack of human contact mashed together with total lack of time all alone. Last year I loved walking through farmland (public footpaths/rights of way) with the kids. In summer we stumbled through paddocks of overgrown weeds in the pouring rain finding ourselves all of a sudden surrounded by stinging nettle and other itchy/stinging plants almost as tall as me and having to navigate our way through or around it without being covered head to toe in the itchies. In autumn the fields were mostly bare and we’d try and spot the rabbit holes as we walked by the rows of trees in shades of red, gold and brown. In winter all the streams were icey, the grass was crunchy and frozen under foot and when we were lucky enough to have snow I loved crunching through it trying to recall our previous paths now covered in sheets of white as far as the eye could see.
Maybe its the change of area or maybe its just the sparkle of moving overseas has worn off and life feels like life rather than a holiday. The season changes are familiar now and London is just gloomy and cold for the most part, winter didn’t bring a lot of snow (a few days worth) and grey is nature’s colour of choice for sure.
The long winter has probably sparked an influx of articles from all the health/dieting newsletters I’m subscribed to and my inbox has seen a few articles on signs of depression to look out for and the importance of being proactive when symptoms pop up. For me years of suffering with depression has taught me that: a) stock standard anti-depressants did nothing but make me feel even emptier (but without the outbursts) and even the best of GP’s can’t offer much more than that and b) sometimes ignoring it and moving on is the best plan of attack.
So, cheer up and keep kicking! is my mantra for the time being.
On a side note, Mstr. 9 is on his first school camp. It’s a milestone, his first time staying away from home that isn’t a family members house. He’s been excited for weeks but was a little nervous yesterday morning before he left. I’m sure he’s well and truly settled in by now and won’t want to leave at the end of the week!