Random Ramblings

Weird


I’ve been feeling a little weird of late…

I’ve reached a crossroads of sorts.  Our baby is quickly nearing 3 years of age.  In just over 2 months I will have 2 children at school.  The kicker is I haven’t been without a “baby” or pregnant with another baby in almost 8 years.  This in itself feels weird.

Add to the mix that I am weeks away from actually FINISHING a university unit.  The last time I attempted uni was 2002.  I did well on the assignments I actually submitted, but lost momentum and stopped handing things in.  Finishing anything has been a struggle for me for many years now.  It stems from a fear of, “If I actually commit to something and don’t do brilliantly then I have failed”…..whereas in my mind if I give up and don’t give anything of myself, then whether I could or couldn’t have succeeded remains a mystery.  I’ve committed to this and sure these are only my first two units but completing them is HUGE for me….I’m a little scared!

The third contributing factor.  It has reached that time in my life where the people I grew up with/went to school with are moving onto the next stage of their lives.  A few have had children in recent years, some are pregnant now and inevitably within the next 4 to 6 years most will start families.

This has sort of highlighted that,

a) We’re ahead of the pack yet again…we’ve reached and conquered the changes starting a family make to a relationship, we’re experts on the “baby stage” and basically we’ve been there and done that.

b) Reaching ages and stages BEFORE your peers is always scary and unknown…

c) I’m not quite sure what the next stage entails?  It’s oh so very tempting to stay put, save the next stage for further down the track…keep doing what your doing…your pretty good at it by now….right?

I’m not saying I want to get pregnant, though it is very tempting.  There are pregnant women and tiny babies everywhere at Master 7’s school and I don’t think I’ll ever get over my yearning for a little girl.  Statistically the chances of a couple who have conceived 3 boys in the past conceiving a girl are slim.  I definitely don’t miss the restrictions of having a newborn baby.  I had accepted our, “no more babies” policy and thank goodness I married a man who is strong-willed.  If hubby changed his mind at the rate I do we’d be in big trouble!  Most days I’m ok with our decision.  I suspect the yearning is linked to my fear of moving onto other things.  Understandable!

I’m sure I will get over this curve but at the moment, I just feel a little weird!

I am so happy for all these people I went to school with who are new parents or are parents to be.  It is such a gift and a joy to be a new Mum/Dad.  It has its up’s and down’s but treasure it as you’ll never have it again!  I know of women who just keep on trying to get those early years back by having more and more babies.  At some point you need to accept that those are just your precious memories and you need to love your kids through all these new ages and stages.  You also need to find more.  We never really finish “growing up” and that just keeps becoming more and more apparent to me as the years go on!

I’m struggling at the moment, but I’ll get there….I think the worst thing I could do now would be to fight this and try and move backwards….but my goodness its tempting….its screaming in my ear daily….fight it…FIGHT IT!!

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